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THE CONFESSION OF MY SINS

On December 23rd, 1993, God spoke to me. I heard Him as clear as I would hear any voice, but His voice came from within my right ear. I won’t say what He said, but it changed my life, and I knew from that moment my life had changed. This wasn’t the first time I heard His voice, nor the last. The first time was at my prom. Before me and my date could make it to our seats, He intervened and said, “She’s not the one.” Instantly this girl I had loved for two years I was no longer in love with. I was in this melancholic state the rest of the night.

In 1993, I was a self-professed atheist. I was not born into a religious family, and things happened that turned me off to Christianity, such as all of those preacher scandals. I was more biblically illiterate than even most atheists. Even though I said I was an atheist, I had this unidentifiable thing within me that told me that God exists, and that Jesus was our Saviour, His only begotten Son, the Bible was genuinely His Word, and that I was living in the final generation. I knew these things, but I couldn’t explain why I knew them. I certainly didn’t explore them.

The day of the Oklahoma City bombing, I was at a friend’s restaurant, which I worked next door to. There were three of us there at the time, the third being his daughter. We were watching in sad amazement at what had happened. My friend ended the silence by saying, “Would you look at this *expletive*?!” With no biblical knowledge at all, this calm came over me and I said “Yeah, but it’s okay though.” My friend gave me this strange look. He was not questioning that I wasn’t taking in this tragedy. He knew me better than that. I think the tone of my voice startled him. In response to his reaction, I asked “Don’t you have the feeling that all these bad things that are happening are coming to a climax, and something will happen in our lifetime that will change everything?” His young daughter said “I do”, then he looked at both of us strangely. He knew I was a professed atheist, so this coming from me was a strange thing for him to hear. Again, I had almost no biblical knowledge at all. What I said at that moment is pretty much what Jesus said in Matthew 24:6 “… see that you not be troubled: for all things must come to pass, but the end is not yet.” He was speaking of the signs of the end. He was telling us that all these bad things will come, but not to be troubled because He is coming to end them.

It wasn’t until December 1995 did He call me. I was about to turn 25. I had so many uncomfortable feelings coming at me at once, and the word “Read” popping up in my head constantly. It took me about two weeks before I answered my call. I read and learned quickly, and in September of the next year I knew I was one of the elect. He revealed it to me in a crystal clear way. Even after getting to know Him, I was stuck in my perverse ways. This lead me to my great sin.

In my mid 20s, I was still looking at pornography and I attended a bachelor party. There was a stripper there, and her bodyguard was her own husband. I touched her in ways I shouldn’t have, but I went even further. I gave $5 with my friends so she would perform a sex act on the prospective groom. I was consenting to adultery and prostitution. It doesn’t matter if her husband gave permission for these things. That doesn’t change the sin. Shortly afterward, God would bring a harsh punishment onto me- one that I could never foresee surviving. Instead of softening my heart, I blamed him for my troubles. I continued looking at pornography, and I changed nothing.

After a few years of reading, He allowed me to take a break. He didn’t tell me to, but I was not ready for Him to go further. I displayed that in a vision. I had a vision I was climbing this ladder that went beyond my ability to see. I kept climbing until there was the darkness of space. The blue glow of the Earth showed peripherally behind me. I heard a voice say “Don’t look down.”, but I did. I became too afraid and climbed back down to Earth. For eight years I did not much of anything useful. I continued looking at pornography. I even talked with women online in a manner I shouldn’t have. I blamed Him for not keeping the promise He made on December 23rd, 1993. I screamed at Him. I said vulgar things to Him. I had no humility.

In April 2006, I found out a reason why I was not getting ahead in life. I was diagnosed with chronic renal failure and an immune disorder that brought on great fatigue. I was too sick to work, and had been for a long time. Since these diseases have taken over my life, I have been helpless. He used this to humble me, but again I fought Him.

I had another vision that November. I was at a Greek Orthodox church, where I was at less than two months earlier for a friend’s funeral. It was the son of the man who had the restaurant. Great people- all four of them. They were the best people I have known in my life, and will always be so. In this vision, I walked to the church, but there were no cars. I went inside, and I knew I was there for another funeral, but there was no casket. There was no one in the pews. I was in there all alone. After a bit, this priest told me to follow him to his chamber. In his chamber, he said exactly these words to me “You know who you are. You know what you’re here to do. It’s time to get started.” I woke up with this knowledge of what exactly the priest meant. I can only describe it as a spiritual download. It was something I thought would be incredible and even impossible, but once it was revealed to me it was very anticlimactic. During the next few months of reading, I learned more than I did during the last eleven years combined, all because I used patience when reflecting. I had no patience the first go-around.

I eventually started this site, but I still had my perverse nature to deal with. I had good insight on His ways, but I still was stiffnecked towards Him. This came to an end on Christmas day of last year. I received the worst news I could possibly imagine. I would rather die a hundred deaths than receive this news, because it went against His promise, which I saw as the greatest thing I could receive in this life. I was content to die, and perhaps even intending to die. The next day I started a fast, and I was okay with just starving myself to death.

On New Year’s Eve, I was praying, begging for His forgiveness. I begged Him to undo what has happened, and that I would do anything for that. The previous couple of days or so, I had it in my head to fast for forty days, but I fought it. During that prayer, the suggestion of fasting for forty days was so strong that I could deny it no longer. I was more afraid of failing Him yet again than I was of fasting for forty days. Even though I was pretty thin (between 155-160lbs), I knew no matter what it did to me, I could not fail Him this time. During and shortly after the fast, I gained great perspective into all that had happened. I took responsibility for everything I had ever done, and I atoned for them. I fasted many times since then to atone, including two separate fasts of fourteen days. I have thirsted for three days a few times as well.

I have caught up on my sins, but He has not kept His promise. It is inevitable He will. What things He has spoken conclusively about, they will all come to pass because He is better than us. No matter how impossible it may seem, God can never lie so He always keeps His promises.

Since my fast, I have learned much. I learned that I didn’t harden my heart on my own, but I sinned on my own. I learned that God has shredded me apart so that He can use me the way He sees fit. If it wasn’t for what He chose for me to be, He would have let me alone, and who knows where I would be? He never gave up on me, which is why I was so harshly treated. I cannot even get into the crux of the matter with you. It would be impossible for most to believe, nor can I put the suffering in words. I wouldn’t even want anyone to identify with it, let alone wish it on someone else. At the same time, I am grateful for my suffering. It’s a sign He loves me, even after all that I have done. It tells me, along with what has He revealed to me, that the job He has for me is very important. As I stated in “My Forty Day Fast”, I know my biggest fear coming into this life had to have been that I would fail Him. I know now that I cannot, because of His reproving.

I am now fully a humble man, and ready to serve Him in the most important way He can hand over to an ordinary man, if it is given to me. No matter what comes at me, or who, I will walk in His patience and not fail. I am humble enough to confess my sins to all, no matter how it makes me look. After my second prayer today, He pushed me to write this, so I did. I will always answer His call from this day forth, forever.

We love you, our Lord God and our Lord Y’shua. Our lives are Your lives, so do with them what You wish. I want to thank You for providing for me, even after all I have done. I had food, clothes, and a roof over my head. You have taken care of Your servant. I am grateful that You are our God and Saviour. There is no one or thing greater than You. Thank You for always being right. Through Your righteousness came Your wisdom. Through Your wisdom came our existence. Only with incredible wisdom could You create a soul, and You created billions! No animal, no mountain, nor even a star is as great of a creation as a soul. Thank You for our existence. I will do my best from this day forth to bring back as many sheep back to the Shepherd. In the name of Your Son, our Lord Y’shua, and the Holy Spirit I pray to You. Amen.